On expectations ...

Ex●pec●ta●tion, n. – to consider probable or certain.

A nasty word, really. To expect is to set up for potential failure. And while we can preach about the wrongs and rights of expectations until we are blue in the face, the fact remains that people will always have them. Expectations and assumptions come naturally to most. Just be careful ... unrealistic expectations can ruin the best of intentions and even relationships.

A few things to think about for work, life and the individuals on Mars & Venus:

Expectations of YOU by OTHERS

At work - when it comes to yourself, be careful about the expectations you create in others’ minds. For example, if you choose to stay at work until 8:00 PM every night because you want to catch up, look good, prove you are better than the next guy, that’s fine, but remember that you have just stamped “expectation” on your forehead. Chances are, when you try to head home at 6:00 PM some night, your employer will now look at you as a slacker. Talk about backfired strategy.

Every day life – if you are the enabling type, remember that you may become known as someone who will always be there to fix it. Others may expect that when they just don’t feel like doing something, they don’t have to worry because you will be the one to pick up the slack. In time, they may not even attempt to initiate anymore … it will all be on you. While being dependable is desired and admirable, just be sure that people don’t take advantage and walk all over you.

"I want you to WANT to help!"

Women in relationships – women are the worst at having men become expectant of them. Being enablers, planners and decision makers while necessary, can also be your demise. While “someone has to do it,” if you live every day that YOU will be the one to do it, men may become accustomed to expecting that from you. And what’s worse is if you choose to stay quiet and go about your daily routine not talking about it because it is easier. If you don’t sit down and talk through why it should NOT be expected you will do everything, you really have no right to be angry with your man for “not wanting to help.” Seriously. How would he know you wanted help if you never asked and because he expects you will do it all on your own because, well, you do?

Men in relationships - the level of expectation within the gents often depends on the level of interest. The more interested you are in a situation, person or idea … the higher your expectation levels are that things will be how you want them to be – whether you are the one to do them or not. And you deserve it, right? You don’t ask for much. While your passion and simplicity is endearing, women also know that the more interested you are in something (often of opposing interest), the more your persistence is felt in making sure your expectations are met. That’s never fun. The cure for you? Maybe try softening your persistence once in a while … you may be surprised and your expectations may be exceeded.

Expectations of OTHERS by YOU

At work – unless it has been communicated in a job description, in the recap notes of a meeting or in the accountability section of your strategic plan, be careful what you expect of others in the workplace. Those of you in leadership positions, you expect your employees to work hard, but also remember that they are looking to you for guidance. They react to how you react … so be very realistic with your expectations. What is expected of you is equally if not more important. And if you are the employee – if it is not a company mandate, don’t get upset because something or someone is not living up to your standards. Get it out in the air and work through the things that you may expect. Don’t let it fester to the point of gossip or manipulative extremes.

At life - give people a break. Understand that things happen. Setting expectations of others can make for an unhealthy relationship – especially the higher and more unrealistic the expectations. Talk. Tell someone what’s on your mind. If you don’t ever share your expectations with the other party, you can probably wave that relationship goodbye. And if you are someone who holds a grudge? Chances are you will never be satisfied with someone else’s intentions or lack thereof if you have specific expectations of them.

Men & Women – clearly, men and women are very different. And no one (NO ONE) is like you. Just because you can feed the kids, drive them to school, get the shopping done before 9am, work a full day, pick up the kids from day care, get homework done while dinner is being made and the clothes are drying, wash the dishes, tidy up the house, make the vacation plans and pack up the last boxes for the move, doesn’t mean that you can expect your significant other to be able to do the same thing. But regardless, kudos to the guy in that household!

Expectations of YOU by YOU

This is a big discussion topic in my coaching sessions. We have a tendency to create very high expectations of ourselves. Whether it is to conquer the world or just conquer the day, we have this way of ending the day with the thoughts of all the things that we did NOT get done, versus a moment of celebration about the things we DID accomplish.

Example? That nasty check list.

Most people write ‘em. (Yes, yes, to stay organized, sure.) Some people even add things to the check list that they have done just so they can cross them off. The worst thing about check lists is that for the people who set unrealistic expectations of themselves to get it all done, you now have a piece of paper staring you in the face allowing for a constant feel of disappointment in yourself for not having scratched off more on that list. Dreadful.

Another example? Diets.

People expect that by following the latest diet they will start losing weight rapidly just like the contestants on The Biggest Loser. Again, remember that NO ONE is like you. Everyone is different and that means everyone’s reaction to dieting is different. The last thing you need to do is stuff more junk food in your face because you are feeling bad that you didn’t lose the expected 14 pounds the first week of your diet.

In Summary ...

Gals – give men a break. We really are two different beasts. Be patient and open to understanding that guys are not mind readers and they won’t get it if you talk too little or talk too much. Talk “just right” and be sure to talk in your "inside non-nagging voice" about why NOT being expected to do it all is important to you. AND - relax a little and be okay with the fact that not everything has to be perfect or as planned.

Guys – give women a break. We really are two different beasts. Understand that just because many women possess this uncanny power to multi task, it does not mean that they love it – it just means they are getting everything done. A lot of women don’t ask for help because they don’t want to be the nag, so make it a point to initiate once in a while – it will take you places, I promise. And lightening up on that persistence will work in your favor too.

Of others –
-- Be patient.
-- Be accepting of their limitations.
-- Be supportive but not condescending.
-- Don’t compare yourself to others.
-- Don’t judge.

Of life –
-- Be okay with change.
-- Adapt to it versus fighting it.
-- Be okay with what you can get done.
-- Embrace failure as one more experience to learn from.
-- Make small expectations so that exceeding them is rewarding.

Be realistic, be adaptable and use your common sense.

Next up on “Reality Check” – On following through …

Life. Embrace it. Own it. Live it.

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